Warper News Network - November 2017
by yoshi3000
Summary: In the multiverse, there are many possibilities. How about one where most of Dragon Ball cast are newscasters? Wait what? A bit of a crack fic to set some things for Project Blackthorn for the month of November 2017. Rated T for suggestive humor, political satire, and crude humor.


**A/N: The following is a parody and a fanfiction. I own only my characters and the plot. I also don't apologize for the following political jokes, but I will apologize if any other joke offends you.**

* * *

 **The Warper News Network**

 **November Edition 2017**

* * *

 **(Cues: Z-TV Techno Song)**

The logo flashes with three letters, "WNN", the Warper News Network. WNN is one of the three major news networks.

 _"WNN, the place that's not fake-conservative Fox, idiotically liberal MSNBC, and more classy than Nude News Network. Introducing your favorite anchors, God of Destruction Beerus and his much cooler assistant, Whis." The announcer said as the lights shine on the set._

 _Beerus and Whis were in matching suits instead of their usual wear._

"Good day or night to all you mortals, today we have a packed news day." Beerus said organizing his papers.

Beerus still did not really read those papers and had no idea of the real news. Beerus was idly drinking his coffee.

"Firstly, we apologize to all of you for not having a news edition for September or October. Our studio was under attack thanks to Cell coming back from the dead." Whis said rather forlornly. "And due to Halloween pranks."

Beerus rolled his eyes.

"In recent news, the Frost family have lost its clan status alongside the Tenin clan. This makes the Blackthorn clan the only first-generation remaining major clan." Whis said. "With Leiko frost offed, the royal line of the Frost is virtually extinct barring Elvin's spawns."

"Serves the clan right." Beerus said using his claw to pick his teeth.

"Our second story is that Hercule Satan's political career is falling apart with the arrest of several of his former campaign managers with connections of money laundering. Along with the rampant rumors of colluding with the remnants of the Planet Trade Organization." Whis said. "This was King Hercule's words this morning."

 _The camera changes to Chow Castle where Hercule is in a gaudy suit and tie with his 70s reject afro and porn stache._

 _"People of the Earth, I want to say as your king that this is all fake news." Hercule said._

 _"What about your declining approval rating?" One reporter said. "It's worse than Donald Trump!"_

 _"Donald Trump is a liar! That's fake news! My approval rate is way higher than his tiny rating." Hercule boasted._

 _A "reporter" was clearly Tien with a fake mustache that looked realer than Hercule's stepped up._

 _"What about the FACT that you lied about defeating Cell?" Not-(but clearly) Tien said._

 _"Bullshit! I squashed that bug!" Hercule said. "Get out, you liberal yuppie!"_

 _Another "reporter" was clearly Vegeta with a fake mustache that looked realer than Hercule's stepped up._

 _"What about the FACT that the Delivery Boy is currently delivering another dicking to your daughter?" Not-(but clearly) Vegeta said loudly. "I got proof."_

 _Vegeta pulled out a tape recorder and hit play. On that tape, everyone heard the moans of Videl begging for more._

 ** _"Come and deliver that package!" She shouted in ecstasy._**

 _"I'll kill you!" Hercule said charging at Vegeta like a mad bull._

The cameras cut back to the newsroom with Whis and Beerus stifling.

"Apparently, Hercule was put in a full body cast when those two "reporters" broke every bone in his body." Whis said not feeling empathy for Hercule.

"Serves him right. Calling us fake news! Who does he think we are, Breitbart News? Damn it, this is the trusted source of news for warpers! We have standards, damn it!" Beerus roared.

"Either way, we go to Vados and Champa for the weather." Whis said as he took Beerus's coffee. "And you've had enough."

"Fu-

The camera cuts to her idly doing her makeup and adjusting her pantsuit. As the cameraman screamed out they're live, she tosses the makeup and shake Champa awoke.

 **(Cues: Dragonball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 3: Innocent World)**

"Hello to all of the multiverse, this is Vados and Champa of Universe 6 with the weather." Vados said cheerfully.

However, the door to the studio was kicked open and standing there was an enraged Super Saiyan Berserk Kale.

"Heard you talking shit about my mom, Champa!" Kale roared.

"No, Kale, No!" Champa screamed as Kale pounced.

The camera went out and viewers could hear the sound of flesh on flesh impact. Champa squealed like the fat pig he was.

-We Are Currently Having Technical Issues, We'll Be Back Soon-

The camera came back on to show the weather room in ruins, Champa on the ground in a pool of blood, and unharmed Vados waving goodbye. Viewers will have to go online for the weather it seemed.

 **(Music Ends)**

The camera cuts to Caulifla tugging at her pantsuit and sweating through the makeup. She would be reporting news on bounties, but what he was reporting unnerved her.

"Ahem, I am Caulifla of Universe 6, here with your bounty reports. **Unholy Marksman and Merciless Mercenary"** **Dimentio and Mimi** had their double bounty of 47,000,000 increased drastically to 100,000,000 million before being granted frozen bounty status by Elite Council Member **Burakkubaronesu** (Black Baroness) Katsumi Batorā Blackthorn II. Normally this is unusual, but Katsumi has announced that she seeks to have Dimentio in her employ to aid in certain issues. This makes Dimentio and Mimi the second and third non-council warper to get their bounties frozen." Caulifla mused.

Caulifla tugged again at her collar before continuing.

"Either way, the bounty is still on **Sensual Serpent** Rémy Adrian Jase who is wanted for several sexual assaults against other warpers. He was last heard from prowling around the EVA universes. His bounty had shot up to 1,500,000 courtesy of his own son, Jerome who is getting his own bounty recalculated. The bounty is still active for **Vicious Vixen** Kitami Akashikya, one of the many counterparts of the Kyubi. She is wanted for child abuse and neglect against her son. She was last seen in the Steven Universe multiverse. Her bounty is now 2,000,000 at the request of "only dead" from her son." Caulifla said. "Otherwise, updated bounties for the Outsiders has not came."

Kale came up and pulled Caulifla away from the scurff of her neck.

"You. Cabba. Bed. NOW!" She growled.

"We go back to Beerus and Whis now." Cabba said as he was dragged away too.

The cameras cuts back to the duo who were having an argument only to suddenly stop when the cameraman said they were live.

"And we close this news day, with what's upcoming on Interdimensional Cable. Look out for a certain sequel to get a third entry!" Beerus said ecstatically. "And don't forget to keep an eye out for Pokémon: Loud Version – Kanto!"

"Thank for you watching!" Whis said making a polite bow.

Their TV screen behind them came to life revealing a new person.

 **(Cues: For the Damaged Coda by Blonde Redhead)**

 _He sat on his battle chair having a rather apathetic yet wicked look on his face. He was not alone either as he had three others with him all with that dangerous look in their eyes._

 _"People of the Multiverse and Omniverse, your force of **apathy** has come." He said before the screen went to static._

"Who keeps hacking our system?!" Beerus said steamed.

Before he could swear, the broadcast ends. The viewers could only worry of what's to come.

* * *

(A/N: More to come soon, and more to be revealed in works to come. Shout out to SilvaNugget because he rocks! Either way, the satire was a lot more vicious. Mostly because I am still sore about the hurricane. Stay tuned for more, next month!)


End file.
